... and in that moment, i swear we were infinite.
today, i was talking to a friend. you, know, when you just get into those really deep talks about life. yeah, one of those. and it really comes down to, what defines us. it was one of those really typical talks, yes. the world's view of words toss and turn so much. but what are we, as adults, defined by? it seems to me, that all the adults care about are numbers. it is always about how making, buying, producing, time.... how many, how much, how long. numbers, numbers, numbers. why can't we be characterized by our personalities, by our loves. what happens? why do all the adults follow, instead of choose. what happened to making our own decisions? why must waking, working, and sleeping begin to consume our lives? i just want to enjoy the world. i refuse to let these things define me. sure, those might be the things i do. but they will never define me. i will never be confined to a single routine, to a single definition. one thing that does, indeed, suck big, black, balls, is that over the years, i have seen parts of myself slowly being lost. i have seen society slowly deplete parts of my imagination. and that is something i value most of all. if a person loses the option to imagine, then they are no longer a person... in my opinion. and another thing, i am only eighteen, and the thought of being alone petrifies me already. and not because, i guess one would say, unable to be loved, or unable TO love, but because people are more worried about the numbers. but, then again, that is just me being paranoid. just the other day, one of my friends was talking to me. he was explaining to me that he decided he would go eat in the cafeteria at the university. in deciding where to sit, being a guy, he chose to sit in the middle of two tables full of girls. he told me that the whole time they were talking about relationships, and guys. not just the typical, like, "oh em gee, he mah fuck buddy," but, serious talk. such as, the kind of guys they want. what they want. and it came down to the general, i just want to find love. and he was talking about it, and i remember, one thing he said was, "i just wanted to slap them and tell them, don't ruin love by wanting it so much." and in him saying that, i was brough to the realization that, i do the same thing. i am constantly wanting love. to love and to be loved. but, i don't think about wanting it openly. regardless though, this kind of opened my eyes. i just need to quit looking for it, and let it find me. i guess, in wanting it so much, in our search we just tend to look past what could be right in front of us, because we are looking to hard.
anyways, i am finished with my rant. i'm signing off.
with love,
andiarrhea.
