i'm sorry.

i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i am so, so sorry. i really am. i am trying. i am trying so hard.

my best friend, said "you suck at this 'friend' thing". i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i know. i know. i know, i suck right now. and i'm sorry.

i'm trying to get it together. i am trying. i feel so disconnected from everyone. and myself. i don't know anymore. i don't know what is wrong with me. and know one knows that i've cried about it every night for the past week and a half. i know i suck, i don't want you to think that though. i am sorry. i promise i will get better. i promise. please, please, understand. i am sorry.

i love you. don't leave me. i am your friend, i'm just not good at being anything right now.

ephemeral

infinite. i feel infinite. i love the word infinite. but, i was thinking earlier, its something i often think of. lithe speed of light travels faster than anything else. 3 million miles per second, or whatever. its instant. and to think we can see a star explode and it could have happen, decades, even centuries ago. but the light has just now traveled to earth. that we are looking into the past. that blows my mind. and to think nothing else is out there is inconceivable for me. it amazes me even more that scientists have seen milliseconds after the big bang. if one controlled the stars, they could control time. and yet it's not as amazing to people as it should. milliseconds. after the creation of the entire universe. its beautiful. everything that can and will and has ever been. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ox1ainyuy5I reminds me of the stars, of the universe. its also in a movie, sunshine, its amazing. but the stars, everything, the stars control us without them, we wouldn't be here. and that is amazing. a single star is that holds our solar system together. and when it's gone, what's left? a single star, so large to us, but so small in retrospect to the rest of the universe. this can't be it. this can't be all there is. there is no way. there are things under the water we still haven't even discovered. but the universe, its infinite. i want to learn a new world

the other day, i was listening to a song, and it made me think about religious matters and what not. maybe heaven and hell is real for some people. like maybe once they die, something subconsciously kicks in and sends us to an infinite dream land. and something we have wanted/ lived for our wholes lives is there. in our dreams, we see people who have passed on. and maybe for people who believe in heaven so badly, maybe it IS real for them. maybe when they die, their god is real. maybe our whole live we create a new world for ourselves. a place to rest when we die. for people who believe there is nothing, maybe that is what they get i try to explain this epiphany to people.it is like a permanent subconscious. and maybe people get it. somepeople say they have seen god, they have seen heaven while they were dead for a few moments. maybe its just something that happens. maybe no one ever goes to the same place. but we go to a place where we have made ideas of people and who they are to us, and maybe that is how it is.but no one is the same. but its real for everyone?i guess its a way to comfort me. thinking like that, because i don't want to think there is nothing after this, but i dont want to believe in heaven or hell. but i want something i mean, in some ways people would say, well that can't happen your brain is dead. blah blahblah, but we don't know everything.

i have no proof that god doesn't exist, but no one has any legit proof that he does. so i cant say they're wrong, they can't say their right. i think if we didn't try to shove ideas down people's throat things would be easier. let someone believe the way they want too. and let them hope. let them dream, if they believe it, let them. in the end, it comes down to yourself.

no one else. just you. judge me if you want.

i will create world. and you create your own.

live your life, i will live mine.
its just about compromise.
but people seem to not understand.