i'm sorry.

i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i am so, so sorry. i really am. i am trying. i am trying so hard.

my best friend, said "you suck at this 'friend' thing". i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i know. i know. i know, i suck right now. and i'm sorry.

i'm trying to get it together. i am trying. i feel so disconnected from everyone. and myself. i don't know anymore. i don't know what is wrong with me. and know one knows that i've cried about it every night for the past week and a half. i know i suck, i don't want you to think that though. i am sorry. i promise i will get better. i promise. please, please, understand. i am sorry.

i love you. don't leave me. i am your friend, i'm just not good at being anything right now.

ephemeral

infinite. i feel infinite. i love the word infinite. but, i was thinking earlier, its something i often think of. lithe speed of light travels faster than anything else. 3 million miles per second, or whatever. its instant. and to think we can see a star explode and it could have happen, decades, even centuries ago. but the light has just now traveled to earth. that we are looking into the past. that blows my mind. and to think nothing else is out there is inconceivable for me. it amazes me even more that scientists have seen milliseconds after the big bang. if one controlled the stars, they could control time. and yet it's not as amazing to people as it should. milliseconds. after the creation of the entire universe. its beautiful. everything that can and will and has ever been. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ox1ainyuy5I reminds me of the stars, of the universe. its also in a movie, sunshine, its amazing. but the stars, everything, the stars control us without them, we wouldn't be here. and that is amazing. a single star is that holds our solar system together. and when it's gone, what's left? a single star, so large to us, but so small in retrospect to the rest of the universe. this can't be it. this can't be all there is. there is no way. there are things under the water we still haven't even discovered. but the universe, its infinite. i want to learn a new world

the other day, i was listening to a song, and it made me think about religious matters and what not. maybe heaven and hell is real for some people. like maybe once they die, something subconsciously kicks in and sends us to an infinite dream land. and something we have wanted/ lived for our wholes lives is there. in our dreams, we see people who have passed on. and maybe for people who believe in heaven so badly, maybe it IS real for them. maybe when they die, their god is real. maybe our whole live we create a new world for ourselves. a place to rest when we die. for people who believe there is nothing, maybe that is what they get i try to explain this epiphany to people.it is like a permanent subconscious. and maybe people get it. somepeople say they have seen god, they have seen heaven while they were dead for a few moments. maybe its just something that happens. maybe no one ever goes to the same place. but we go to a place where we have made ideas of people and who they are to us, and maybe that is how it is.but no one is the same. but its real for everyone?i guess its a way to comfort me. thinking like that, because i don't want to think there is nothing after this, but i dont want to believe in heaven or hell. but i want something i mean, in some ways people would say, well that can't happen your brain is dead. blah blahblah, but we don't know everything.

i have no proof that god doesn't exist, but no one has any legit proof that he does. so i cant say they're wrong, they can't say their right. i think if we didn't try to shove ideas down people's throat things would be easier. let someone believe the way they want too. and let them hope. let them dream, if they believe it, let them. in the end, it comes down to yourself.

no one else. just you. judge me if you want.

i will create world. and you create your own.

live your life, i will live mine.
its just about compromise.
but people seem to not understand.

please, remember me.

well, it has been a while.

another sleepless night. lately, all i can think about, is how much i want to get away. emotions have just flooded me, and left me feeling, a little empty. one of the hardest things i have brought into my grasp this past week is a sudden realization. a realization that i have lost someone. i know, that they are still there, and that they still care, somewhat. but they don't need me anymore. they have moved on. and all i can think about is how much i wish i could change time. 

i was driving, and i was listening to 0040 by olafur arnalds. i can not remember where i was driving from, but i know i was driving home. it was night time and i was just getting lost in the music. and for some reason, a great amount of nostalgia came over. a time when things didn't matter, all there was was fun. i was simply happy. not that i am saying i am not happy now, but i am not as happy. most likely, the person i want to read this will not see this, and in some ways i am happy, and in some ways i am sad.

but dear friend whom i want to see this, i want so badly to tell you how i feel. i want so badly for our friendship to blossom and be what it used to be, and what sucks is knowing that most likely will not happen. i want you to know how i feel but i could not do that to you. because it is not all your fault, i will give you that. i think it is just something that was bound to happen as we grew up, unfortunately. you were my other half. and even though we are not close anymore, you still are. but you are so happy, and i could not be so selfish and tell you to your face how i feel, because i know you would feel bad. i know you would get upset, and i don't to do that. i have so much i want to say, but i can't find the words. so i will leave it at this. i love you, so much. and i miss you more than anything. 

please, remember me.

andrea.

(andrea, forever. andrea, infinite.)

to-da-boom-boom.

... and in that moment, i swear we were infinite.

today, i was talking to a friend. you, know, when you just get into those really deep talks about life. yeah, one of those. and it really comes down to, what defines us. it was one of those really typical talks, yes. the world's view of words toss and turn so much. but what are we, as adults, defined by? it seems to me, that all the adults care about are numbers. it is always about how making, buying, producing, time.... how many, how much, how long. numbers, numbers, numbers. why can't we be characterized by our personalities, by our loves. what happens? why do all the adults follow, instead of choose. what happened to making our own decisions? why must waking, working, and sleeping begin to consume our lives? i just want to enjoy the world. i refuse to let these things define me. sure, those might be the things i do. but they will never define me. i will never be confined to a single routine, to a single definition. one thing that does, indeed, suck big, black, balls, is that over the years, i have seen parts of myself slowly being lost. i have seen society slowly deplete parts of my imagination. and that is something i value most of all. if a person loses the option to imagine, then they are no longer a person... in my opinion. and another thing, i am only eighteen, and the thought of being alone petrifies me already. and not because, i guess one would say, unable to be loved, or unable TO love, but because people are more worried about the numbers. but, then again, that is just me being paranoid. just the other day, one of my friends was talking to me. he was explaining to me that he decided he would go eat in the cafeteria at the university. in deciding where to sit, being a guy, he chose to sit in the middle of two tables full of girls. he told me that the whole time they were talking about relationships, and guys. not just the typical, like, "oh em gee, he mah fuck buddy," but, serious talk. such as, the kind of guys they want. what they want. and it came down to the general, i just want to find love. and he was talking about it, and i remember, one thing he said was, "i just wanted to slap them and tell them, don't ruin love by wanting it so much."  and in  him saying that, i was brough to the realization that,  i do the same thing. i am constantly wanting love. to love and to be loved. but, i don't think about wanting it openly. regardless though, this kind of opened my eyes. i just need to quit looking for it, and let it find me. i guess, in wanting it so much, in our search we just tend to look past what could be right in front of us, because we are looking to hard.



anyways, i am finished with my rant. i'm signing off.

with love,

andiarrhea.

three twenty one.

i, generally, just want people to be happy. often, i put my emotions aside to allow people to be happy. some would say, i am a push over. but the difference between me and a push over is that i make decisions, and i form my own decisions, and i let people know how i feel. i just try to do it in a way that wouldn't cause conflict, or seem rude. i hope that you all understand that.

a man chooses, a slave obeys.

-andrew ryan

and that's that.

now, as i told you, i try to make people happy. but, you may wonder, what is my source of enjoyment? what do i feed off of. in order to make people happy, i must maintain a positive attitude. well, this is where music comes in, but mainly, where my friends come in.

music isn't just something that pleases my ears anymore. and as cliche as it may sound, music has become a way of life for me. its something that will never be put on the back burner. in whatever i do, music will be there. to me, music is more than just instruments and words fashioned in a delightful manner. music all the small things i hear throughout my day-to-day life. the crunching of leaves, the rustling of people gathering there things in a way to crowded classroom, the wind blowing, the screeching of door henges, the rhythm of foot steps, everything! not to say, that i don't enjoy actual music. i do in fact, very much enjoy it. i wish everyday of my life could consist of composing music.

although i can't make music every hour of every day, i get to make up for that lost time. i am in a band called guernica. and we are fucking awesome. we are currently working on a concept album, i will post a summary of the summary that was typed up by my dear love, and singer of our band, rui miao.

"once, in the kingdom of guernica,there lived a king and a queen that desperately vied for a child. the regal queen was able to bear none, but when the king pleaded to the divine, a miraculous child was born at the expense of the queen’s life. however, even though the child was female, and even though the king’s advisors called the child wicked, the king loved his daughter with all his heart. As time went on, the king watched the growth of his darling daughter, and the growth of his advisor’s dissent of his heir. every night he was tortured by the thought of his child losing her happiness. the king, finally succumbed to his advisor’s beliefs, decided to take his daughter to the kingdom’s river. there, he drowned her. wrought with regret at his actions, he rushed her to a secretive doctor, asking him to fix her. she is saved, but barely, as she only exists in a dream-filled coma. during her deep sleep, she receives visions from a ghost of a future kingdom war. the king, still consumed by guilt, resides at her bedside hoping for her to wake up because she is his heart, and hoping she stays asleep because of what his hand has done. now, he can only hope for her forgiveness… "  

now, you see, guernica is much more than just a band, it is a family. not by blood, but by heart. zac davis, josh hill, rui miao, and jason ruth, happen to be the best things in my life. (oh, and london crisler, but she isn't in the band, she is just my soul mate, in a friend way.) i love them. and the love i share with them is something that words could even begin to describe. if i lost one of them, i would lose a part of me. i would do anything for them. as music, where ever i go in life, they will be there. maybe not physically, but in my heart. they are my joy. it makes me sad, that so many people will never get to experience what i have, and what i will. it makes me sad that so many people won't get a chance to love.

 

happiness: state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.



winter.

winter is, by a long shot, my favourite season.

(by the way, i am sure you might be, like, that is not how you spell favourite, you can. you can spell it favorite, or favourite.)

finally, winter is slowly creeping into the air. I CAN SMELL IT! the air is so crisp, and so are the leaves on the ground. although, winter is, cleary, the best, autumn comes in a very close second. i don't know why i said autumn, i would normally say fall, but that isn't really important. i mean, like everyone else, i enjoy the colours of fall, so much. but, what really makes me glad, is the sound of the leaves, the crunchy sound makes me so giddy.

reasons i love winter: well, for one, it's cold, obviously. i like being able to see my breath, it is reassuring. i like the trees in their naked state, its like a rebirth for the earth. the air is crisp and smells fresh, so at night, you can stargaze with ease. the pale winter skin, the rosy cheeks, and the bright eyes. i like being able to stand around a fire without feeling my skin is melting. i also like being able to have a fire, because i think the crackling noises and the glowing embers are just fantastic. cuddling, who doesn't enjoy cuddling and feeling wanted. wearing boots, scarves, gloves/mittens, and berets. the ice and snow. having ice and snow seems to lead to no electricity, which is a time i savor. candles. the smell of pine. white christmas lights. deer decorations. painting outside and being inspired.

i am going to stop hear, because i could continure the list forever.

i prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter.  something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show.

 -andrew wyeth

by the way, listen to the song reaching, by audiomachine, and be inspired.

you should listen to all of audiomachine's music.

bioshock: the ADAM syringe.

rapture failed, we will not.

so, i have realized, that i have an obsession with bioshock. it is definitely, my favourite game. both the first and second bioshock, and i am sure i will be able to add bioshock infinite to the list, as well (which comes out in february of 2010). since, bioshock is my favourite game, and halloween is near, i decided i would dress as a little sister.

after deciding to be a little sister, i thought the internet would be the best place to search for a costume, because i am almost positive that no stores, in the city of which i reside, would have them; in fact, i know they wouldn't. in my search, i found nothing for sale. the costume itself, i knew would not be hard for me to make, for it is a just a dress. i just found some concept art to copy. that was not what i was worried about, what i was worried about was making the ADAM syringe that the little sister carries around to draw ADAM from dead bodies lying around rapture

i noticed many searches for people trying to figure out how to make an ADAM syringe, but hardly any answers. one person, however, did make a blog about the syringe that they made, and it was fucking awesome. but they very vaguely described how they made it, so i just went by the pictures that were posted on their blog. anyways, what i am trying to get at is how to make an ADAM syringe.

oh, by the way, the total cost of buying everthing to make my syringe was about $56 dollars.

here is a list of things you will need: a vintage gas nozzle, a glass jar, a long knitting needle, bronze spray paint, red ink, clay, bronze and black paint, paint brush, sponge brush (you could probably just use a regular sponge), hot glue gun, water, super glue, a small LED light of some kind, and epoxy glue.

first off, i am sure you are wonder, where the hell did you get a gas nozzle? and a vintage one, at that! well, there is a lovely thing known as ebay. just type gas nozzle in the search bar, and BAM, you have now found gas nozzles. now, most of the gas nozzles you will see are bid only. and unfortunately, the bidding process sucks, because i swear some people have it so that no matter what you bid, their bid ends up higher, and it just becomes for one, ridiculous, and two, way overpriced. i wouldn't suggest giving up bidding completely, but i tried to find one that was the option "buy it now". my gas nozzle was $20 and free shipping. but i must warn you, the prices on these nozzles range anywhere from $9 to $150. and they all look the same. i don't understand. here is a picture of it to the left....to the left.

as you may notice, it is not the colour it needs to be. in the game, the syringe is actually a rusty bronze colour, which is where the spray paint comes in. i bought the spray paint from hobby lobby, but you can find spray paint at any place that sells crafts, i know wal-mart carries spray paint, and i am sure target does, but you can definitely find it at any craft store, such as hobby lobby. i checked the actual spray paint section and they had a bronze spray paint, but it was a little bit to copper-y. so, i searched the store a little bit more to see if i could find something else, and i did. it was located down the build-your-own isle. it was $5.29 for a 3 oz. can. and that is definitely all you need and more. i started this blog after i finished the project, so i don't have a picture of just the spray painted gas nozzle by itself, but that is okay. they can says that you should hold the can 10 inches from the object you're spray painting, but i held mine only a couple inches from the gas nozzle and it worked fine. the only problem was in some spots, i applied a little to much paint and it started to run, but all you have to do is dab it a little with your finger, or a cloth. just so you know, it comes off your hands with just a tiny bit of scrubbing under some hot water, or cold. hot water just speeds the process up a little. i only put one coat of the spray paint on the syringe, that is all you need. and it gave it that vintage, rustic look.

i let the spray paint dry, and that took about ten minutes, fifteen at the most. while i let this dry, i got my glass jar, which i also bought at hobby lobby for about $2. then i got the red ink, which was about $4, and some water.  i filled the jar with about 3/4 of the way full, and then added a few drops of the red ink to the jar to get the red look that the ADAM has. try not to put to much ink in it, i will explain why soon enough. and if you do, it is easily solved, just poor out a little bit, and put more water in until you are satisfied with how it looks.

by the time i did all of this, the gas nozzle was dry, but i just set it aside. at this point, i needed the lid from the glass jar and the LED light source. i went to walgreens and bought a plastic flashlight thing, it was six dollars for that thing.one end of it was really hard plastic, and the other end was plastic i could cut through with a litttle work. the little work, was a very effective steak knife. anyways, you can use pretty much anthing for the light, as long as it will fit in the jar. since there was an obvious opening where i cut the light, i used the hot glue gun to seal this together. you don't necessarily have to do this, but it worked out perfectly. then i used the hot glue gun to seal any cracks. i would suggest reinforcing the hot glue with another coat of the epoxy glue, but it isn't totally needed (his actual whole step isn't really necessary, unless you want your ADAM to glow, like i did). then, i took the super glue and the lid to the jar and glued the light to the underside of the lid. you will have to hold it there for a second until the glue dries, that only takes a few seconds though. the super glue really is super. try not to get it on your hands because it makes you feel crusty, and its a pain in the ass to get off. after the LED light is secured to the underside of the jar's lid, then use the super glue again to glue the lid to the jar. this is done to prevent the liguid from spilling anywhere. make sure you put the super glue on the actual lid part instead or the jar, because it will run down the inside and it will dry white, and it isn't really noticeable, but i noticed it, and it bothered me. then, use turn the bottle upside down, to test for leaks, if you see any, dry off where the leak ran out, and use the epoxy glue to seal it off. in fact, just seal it all the way around with the epoxy glue. once you get all this done, glue it to the gas nozzle. i can't really describe where to glue it at, but you can look at the picture and easily tell where to glue it at. us the super glue to glue it down, and use a lot. again, being careful and not getting to much on your hands, just a words of advice. let it set for a few minutes, so it is for sure in place.

next, take the knitting needles, which i also purchased at hobby lobby, for about 4 dollars. you can't just but one by itself, it comes in a pack of two. and they are about 12-14 inches long. i bought silver ones. they have them at wal-mart though. and other places, i am sure. any fabric/craft store.then, place the needle in the opening where actual gas would come out. then take the clay to fill in existing area around the needle to keep it in place. then use some more super glue to keep the clay from moving. you can use any type of clay. i bought a 6 pack of modeling clay, again from hobby lobby, for about $3.

now, the finishing touches! to give your syringe that dirty look, take the black paint and bronze paint, and make them together, only use a dab of the bronze. any acryllic paint will work. you can buy it for about $.88 from wal-mart or hobby lobby. this just will give it that tarnished look. apply it around where the metals meet. apply it with the paint brush then, just use the sponge brush to fade it out a bit.you will be able to see how i did it in the picture of my finished syringe. then to give the needle the "bloody" look, just use the sponge brush again, and apply some of the red ink on it and put it on the needle as you wish. OH! i almost forgot. on the end of the jar of ADAM, if you look closely in the game, there is a nipple (hurhur), on the end of it so the little sister can drink it. since, i didn't buy a nipple, i cut off the squeeze part of the ink, and used some black clay to make it look natural. you will be able to see, again, in the picture of the finished project.

ADAM syringe: the finished product.

i hope that this helped whoever might be reading it.

with love,

andrea.